The Reflection of Love

I grew up believing that my "worthiness" was completely dependent on the fact that "Jesus died for me.” My own righteousness, was compared to filthy rags. I never really got why, but I didn't spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. Guilt and fear were the accepted, if not the actively utilized, motivators. I can remember every night my siblings and I would shout our good-nights through the house "Walton style" with the added and never forgotten, "I'm sorry if I made you mad today". You know, just in case we didn't wake up. We believed that if we died with any "un-confessed sin on the books", we would go straight to hell!

As I grew up, I did my share of questioning and finally, as an adult, was able to move away from the fear-based religion of my childhood. The idea of loving "God first, others second and yourself (you filthy sinner) last" stopped making sense. When I studied for my masters in psychology, the focus was on the importance of self-actualization –self-worth. This was seen as important for our future clients, as well as for ourselves. I welcomed the idea that one must first love one's self before successfully loving another.

In light of this new concept, I spent years going to therapists and workshops and astrologers --spoke affirmations and meditated, with the purpose being, to achieve self-love, self-actualization, self-esteem, self-worth. I became convinced that surely, if I learned to love myself, I would be successful in loving another. And when, yet again, "the relationship" failed, I would think it was because I still didn't love myself enough.

A few years ago, for no particular reason, I spontaneously got up, of a Sunday morning, and went to our local "new age" church. The speaker, Rev. Edward Viljoen, was using a book by Eknath Easwaren in which the author suggested the following. If we all wait until we fully love our self, before loving another, not many people would love or be loved! This idea resonated in a place of truth for me and filled up my thoughts for some time thereafter.

Certainly this was not about going back to a "God first, others second, yourself last" mentality. Rather, when Love moves between two people, the experience of both self-love AND loving the other is amplified. It’s not that loving oneself OR another, need happen "first", but rather both manifest more fully in the presence of the other.

The love I feel for my child, my lover, my friend, is a reflection of love for myself and my love for myself is a reflection of the love I experience for and from others. When the love energy is reflected, back and forth, it is increased. How cool is that?

Perhaps, if I were a more "realized" and enlightened human being I would experience fully formed self-worth, whether love from others was a part of my life or not. Fact is, I am not an enlightened being and therefore, I still grapple with it every day. This is my process.

A dear friend said to me once, "If we are serving as mirrors for one another, then we can feel good about who we are, because you help me see the good parts of me…"

This, I believe, is a glimpse of Divine Love.